'bad hair day':


this is a term usually used when what you really mean is that today is one of those 'why-the-hell-am-i-in-the-office-having-mushroom-stroganoff-and-nut-loaf-instead-of-lying-on-a-beach-sipping-a-martini' days. in short, it is the polite way of saying 'please, get off my back. trust me, i don't want to be on it, neither do you' when you don't have the energy to swear at the silly person who has just popped around to ask yet again the same inane question that you were asked by another silly person a minute ago. the offending question depends on how awful the day really is - it could be a simple 'have you got the message left by mr. C?' and the innocuous 'sorry, when do you think you can get back to mr. X on this query?' to 'do you want me to research this today or tomorrow?'. this is, however, just the beginning of a self-destructive downward spiral.

if you don't alert yourself to the fact that it is a euphemism for the 'why-am-i-explaining-to-you-what-a-revolving-loan-is-aren't-you-the-banker' kind of day, and you actually fool yourself into thinking that it is just literally a day when your hair is lacking in moral fibre, then you could be in trouble.

since you are not mentally prepared for the simple awfulness of the occasion, you will see the devil in every additional onslaught. and the attacks do keep coming. you don't realise it at first ('oh, i just lost my travel card. oh well, it can happen to anyone at any time. this is not a bad day yet') but then it carries on ('what, we're having another conference call? didn't we just finish a three hour call two minutes ago?') and on ('what, you want the document today? but you said it was due for friday!') and on ('oh no, i've spilled soup on my white shirt and it's also splashed on my stockings making me look incontinent') and on ('what do you mean, the document has a template problem that you can't fix and you've lost all the amendments i've made to it since june?') and on ('why didn't you tell me before making me wait for an hour that the taxi i booked was taken by someone else?'). at this stage, you are no longer (if you ever were) a functioning adult woman/man but you haven't had water, what lunch you had was probably reprocessed cardboard made to look like a burger and you would gladly kill a couple of hyenas on the african savannah to reach the local water hole.

i'd suggest when the first sign of trouble happens (see the loss of travel card above) to think carefully before making a judgment about what kind of day it is. don't sit there and say it could happen to anyone, because it didn't - it happened to you. turn matters over in your head - did you have too many cocktails the night before? did you watch too much junk tv? did you forget your morning bagel? or your mother?- and then question the chances of it becoming a jonah-and-the-whale day. chances are, if you consider it, you will know for sure whether or not you are doomed today or not.


so how do you cope with days like this when your life is a cosmic joke? sadly i haven't found a way of making such days that much better - afterall, it's a bit difficult to beat what is clearly a predestined disaster. in my current state of mind only two practical suggestions come to mind - one, go to the loo and sit in the cubicle for twelve minutes before emerging again, singing 'ol' mcdonald had a farm' at the top of your voice. that way, if someone demands to know where you've been, you'd be able to tell them you were in the loo (clearly you are not lying) and also the pressure of remembering the lyrics of that complicated song combined with singing while sitting down (it's not too easy to do so at the top of your voice) will de-stress you. i've just remembered something - don't do it in a loo that echoes - it hurts your head. second, insist your secretary or some colleague who is too 'out there' to know any better bring you a really cold bottle of water and a banana. stick bottle on your forehead muttering 'harrumphing bolsheviks' every now and then - it will give you the benefit of swearing without actually offending anyone. eat the banana after you've done all that - you need the energy.

whatever you do, don't go out to smoke, or walk around the block. it is a day full of omen - best not to tempt fate. if you must go out, try not to walk across roads unless there's a crossing or under scaffoldings for goodness' sake. but then, you probably would have to - knowing your luck, you'd be juggling the coffee orders from your colleagues and miss that crazy van careering onto your zebra crossing. and no, you can't go home, it's just not your day.


-for elizabeth, who is having a really bad day...-

i think i'm turning into dilbert...