How not to get used to your new office, or, how to tell whether you need orientation workshops

1. Announce to your secretary that you are off to lunch, turn the wrong corner and end up outside your office again all of two minutes later. Your secretary says, "Wow, that was a quick lunch!" and escorts you to the correct side of the corridor.

2. Wander into someone else's office, mutter "I'm sorry" and leave.

3. Take the wrong lift so that you end up on the wrong floor, which means you have to go down to the ground floor to take the proper lift (the lifts only go to certain floors so you need to take the specific lift for your floor). Then make the wrong turn (again) and enter into an empty space that has construction workers in it, instead of arriving at the lift hall for the higher floors, which is where you want to go.

4. Set off the alarm every time you go through the security gate because you hold your pass the wrong side up.

5. Forget that you need a key to open the loo door.

Earlier in the morning, Sad Associate Number One's secretary walked into my office, mumbling in Chinese while reading a bunch of papers. I said, "Pardon?" and she looked up at me, startled. "I'm sorry," she said, "I think I'm in the wrong office."

We may need to supply everyone with guide dogs.