How does she do it?

I miss out on a lot of gossip in the office because of my lack of language skills. For all I know, the secretaries could be talking about me in front of me and I wouldn't know it.

Secretary 1: (In Cantonese) "So you know, Little Miss I'm-so-British makes me do her personal stuff all the time. She actually asked me to water her plant."
Secretary 2: (In Cantonese) "Aiyah. You should tell her to shove it up her ass and die."
Me: "Good morning."
Secretary 1: "Good morning, J-A. Would you like to take this bottle of water for your plant - I brought it in just for you."
Me: "How sweet! Thanks."

I'm only joking, of course my secretary is a lovely lady and I am sure she doesn't say anything like that. For one thing I water my own plant. But you know, you never know. Chinese Sad Associate told me all the gossip I've been missing out on that has been going on right under my nose over dim sum yesterday.

C.S.A. : "You know that girl, P.? She's XXX's secretary."
Me: "Yes, why?"
C.S.A. : "She has three boyfriends even though she has a husband. She comes and tells me her husband is too old and her fortuneteller thinks she will get divorced this year, so she is happy."
Me: "Omigod. But P. looks so innocent."
C.S.A.: "Innocent? Hmph. Saddam is innocent. And that receptionist, A.? She's such a golddigger. She once went out with three of the male associates in one year. She got hundred thousand dollars' worth of gold necklaces and a Gucci bag."
Me: "Omigod. People spend that kind of money? I mean, um, how did she convince someone to pay for her stuff like that? I mean, she looks so tame!"
C.S.A.: "I don't know. Maybe it's because she was targeting all the New York secondees. You know, maybe in New York they all spend money like that. Lucky you, girl? You're going out with a New Yorker."
Me: "Er, I don't think so. More likely that M. would break my neck if I attempted such a stunt."

I must confess I was looking at the two girls in a somewhat unflattering light the next time I said hello to them. The moral of the story? I guess you can't judge a Cantonese book by its English cover.