Just when I think I can forget about it, it pops up again...
It is finally happening this week. You who have never had to take the bar exam, who will never take the bar exam, who have no clue what I am talking about, will not have to wait for it. But I will.
I will probably also be taking drugs. Morphine sounds like a good idea. And whiskey.
Have you ever experienced the sinking feeling you get in your stomach when you are caught doing something bad and your mother says, "Just wait til your father gets home!", and you have to stay standing in a corner facing the wall for hours until your father does get home? The sinking feeling is caused by the fact that you know for certain that something bad is going to happen, but you don't know exactly what it is, so you imagine everything is going to be for the worst. Right now, I know what the worst case scenario* is, but knowing this hasn't got rid of the gut-churning fear of it.
M. said I did my best and there is nothing more I can do so I shouldn't worry about it. As if.
"Well, I guess I shouldn't expect everything to go my way," I said.
"You're turning into Charlie Brown," he said, "Is what I'm saying to you turning into a 'Wa-wah-wah' sound?"
"It's getting there," I said.
"Don't drive yourself crazy over it, OK? Give yourself a cheer. Get someone to do a dance for you," M. said. I wish it was that simple.
If I don't post anything over the next couple of days, it will be because I've succumbed to the pressure and decided to emigrate to the last place on Earth that has no internet connection and no postal service. I haven't worked out where that is yet, but I have until Friday.
New York Board of Examiners announce release date for February 2004 exam results
* I FAIL. BIG TIME. THEY DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO MARK MY PAPERS. They give my papers to their dogs to clean up their poo. I try to become a fisherman in the Caribbean but they won't let me take a boat out because I'VE FAILED the BAR. I try to sell bagels on the street corners of Manhattan but I don't make sales because I'VE FAILED the BAR. I try to sell buttons in Hong Kong but no one will take them because I'VE FAILED the BAR. You get the picture.