The nightmare is over, but am I a failure?

When I was in London, working as a lawyer, I did not believe that it was possible to work with incompetent, pot-bellied, lying scum. I thought lawyers were meant to be brighter than the norm and somehow more reasonable. I tried to make up for the lack of human interest in my work by doing as much pro bono work as I possibly could. Sometimes it worked - I could fool myself into thinking that I'm not such a bad person afterall. I was proud that I'd been able to help in a little way by my pro bono work. But sometimes it didn't, and I'd wonder why I'd been spending so much time and effort in helping some rich people become richer. Still, there are many people who work just to make a living and are not necessarily in the position to help other people, so I didn't think too much of it - it was just another job at the end of the day.

But what have I been doing here in Hong Kong? I seethe with bitter anger whenever I think of the past year and a half and its embarrassments. This wasn't 'just another job' I've been working at. I did not want to work with incompetent, pot-bellied, lying scum. I did not want to be bullied by incompetent, pot-bellied, lying scum. I tried to change things in the office, because I believe that if you do not fight against the system which you are bad-mouthing, you are part of the bad system. But when I corrected my so-called supervisor, the Ominous Bumbling Idiot, for doing things wrong (i.e. borderline illegal), I was told by my partner (who is superior to the O.B.I. and thus should make sure things are in order) to "put a sock in it"(British English for "shut the f_ck up"). He said what was more important to him than being 'right' was being 'loyal', because the O.B.I. is his friend. But, he said, he'd "give [me] another chance." He then told everyone in the department that I was 'too outspoken' and 'lacking in business sense'. I believe only the Mafia, the Triads and the Yakuza have such a code of 'honour'.

Half of me struggles to comprehend the magnitude of what I've been dealing with. The other half of me tells me to try to forget history, and to move on. Afterall, I have a new life with M. to think about and prepare for. But the question still bothers me - why did I allow this to happen to myself? I suppose I have a typical 'Type A' reaction to things not going my way: I feel like a Moon crater-sized failure because I haven't managed to change anything here. I get incredibly, painfully angry whenever I think of the O.B. I. and the partner. This morning I felt a strong, violent urge to slap the O.B.I. when I heard his voice across the floor. Thank Heaven I'm leaving before I assault someone.

There will be others in my place, happy to work for incompetent, pot-bellied, lying scum. Victory to the system - I'm leaving, a 'failure'. If I choose to work for such idiots again in the future, shame on me.