Be aware
"My ex-wife used to hit me," the six-foot tall former policeman told me. I nodded, hoping it would encourage him to talk more. He took the cue.
"I was scared of her. She used to make herself ill so that I would do whatever she wanted me to do. She really knew how to emotionally blackmail me. I used to never go out because she would get so upset that I was leaving her at home. She wouldn't let me visit my parents, and on the rare occasion we did see them, she refused to stay over at their house and would demand to be driven back home - all one hundred miles. When I told her I wanted a divorce, she had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalised."
He took a gulp of his pint, then continued. "After my divorce, I realised I had lost all my friends because I hadn't talked to them during the eight years I was married to my ex. My family were distant to me, too. I couldn't tell them what had been going on - I still can't, really. I moved from Melbourne to a different city and started contacting my friends and family again. I tell you, it's been years since the divorce and I still struggle with the guilt of having let down my ex, causing trouble for her, you know?"
He shook his head. "I wanted to help her. I would like to be her friend but that's never going to happen. We never really talked, you see. To me, it's still amazing I'm out here having a drink without her."
"My husband used to beat me every day. The most embarrassing thing about it was that the workers could hear me screaming in his office," said the tiny old lady with snow-white hair. "I had to walk out of his office afterwards with a black eye and a bruised nose pretending nothing had happened, even though I knew everyone had heard me screaming."
She bristled with the decades-old memory as if it was a fresh one from yesterday. "Every single day, for sixteen years. Can you believe it? He'd tell me to come into his office, and then hit me with his belt."
The old lady's expression turned fierce as she spat out the word 'belt.'
"In those days, you weren't meant to complain about things. You don't tell people your husband beats you. Other people who do know don't do anything about it because they don't want to interfere. So they never ask you why you have all these bruises and why is your nose broken? You had no choice in the matter, really."
She sighed. "When my son turned fifteen, I decided that was it. He was big and old enough to look after himself now, but I wasn't ever going to be safe. I had to live first. So I packed a small suitcase and took the bus out of there. I only had five pounds on me but I didn't care. I was going to live somehow. So I went to this shelter in London, it was the first one ever for Jewish women. It was hard. But I am here now."
As with many such complicated problems and issues, domestic violence is not a matter that has a simple solution. At first glance, it would appear that the easiest solution would be for the abused party to walk out of the relationship and you may wonder why the abused one stays.* And you might think that domestic violence occurs only where there is a particular type of person, social class or geographic location involved. These misconceptions form a tough barrier to break for people who have to deal with domestic violence in their daily lives if they wish to seek help.
Help to end domestic violence by understanding it. If more people realise that domestic violence is a complicated issue, a fact of life that can happen to anyone, anywhere and that it is still a problem, we may have a better chance of tackling it successfully.
