What the F*** (Literally)

The Queen of Crab has returned. Hide, all ye small people, for she will trample on your puny bones and squeeze your little fingers.

No morning coffee yet - thus she is ready to explode. Why, she asks, waving her diamond tiara in the air ("Are those real diamonds?" ask her friends, who know her to be a cheapskate), do women feel that they should make noises during s6x when they are not enjoying it?

Q. C. had just laid down her royal head on the pillow last night when she heard something that made her doubt her ears. It was coming from the other side of the building, but it sounded so close, it was almost as if she was in the same room.

"Ah.... Ah ah ah ah ah...AAAAAHHHHHH...Ah...Ah.. AH..." (that was the charwoman).
"Ugh..Ugh..Ugh..Ugh..Ugh.." (that was the woodcutter).

Q.C. threw off her heavy eiderdown with a massive sigh of exasperation. Did she really have to spend the night up listening to her subjects fornicating? The grandfather clock had already struck twelve - shouldn't they be turning into potatoes or some other type of vegetable? As she sat there, smoke coming out of her imperial ears, she realised the charwoman was definitely sounding out of rythmn with the woodcutter. For example:

Woodcutter: Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh (steady 4/4 beat at an even tone)
Charwoman: Ah, ahahahahahah, ah (6/8 beat complete with rising crescendos)

Now, why was this so? Could it be that the woodcutter and the charwoman were not working in tandem? Could it be that they were dubbing two different p8rn films? Could it be hell. She was tempted to throw a cat/dog/hippopotamus out of the window and scream, "Get a room!" but then she realised that was the problem, they already had a room.

Then everything went silent for two minutes.

End of two minutes. The charwoman was at it again - but this time you could only hear the woodcutter every now and then. Surely this wasn't right. The Queen shook her head as she came down to her royal conclusion: the charwoman was faking it. The charwoman was coming to her ff crescendo - and no doubt the woodcutter was thinking the s6x was really hot and he was coming out as Mr. Schl8ng. This was a farce. Q.C. decided she would write a note to the charwoman to tell her to buy 'The Joy of S6x', a couple of toys and get a new woodcutter. Or at least tell the woodcutter he wasn't cutting it for her.

Q.C. is as miffed as hell that she was robbed of her sleep, no matter that it was only for half an hour or so. She also has a headache. So get out of her way.