Midnight rant

I generally try not to blog at night time when I find myself still at work as the situation tends to make me rant and rave about how I'm working late yet again. But tonight I feel everything is pent up so I feel justified in doing this if simply because this will ensure I will not kill some innocent plant/animal/whatever on my way home.

This week I've been thrown into the horrible marathon meetings again - we start bright and early in the morning, work through lunch and dinner then go home at midnight, only to do it all over again the next day. It wouldn't be so bad were it not for two things: one, in the previous week, I wrote a legal memo which got thrown out of the window wholesale - leading me to question my ability to write. By writing up that legal memo, I had been trying to make up for a horribly incorrect and incomplete list of issues which I had written up the week before, but since the legal memo got chucked away I began to question my ability to make amends. Two, I made a point during the meeting today which for some reason I became fixated on and repeated so many times that my partner had to tell me to shut up; now I am beginning to question my existence.

So as I have another list of issues to compile for tomorrow, I have to ask myself this: given that I have over the past several weeks started on a trail of questions regarding my abilities - eventually reaching a point where I am doubting the reasons for my existence - should I make the list of issues and think of how it will be trashed (as per the previous list of issues and the legal memo), or should I be all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and think that this list of issues is going to make me look better in the eyes of my partner? At this point in time, the latter frame of mind seems unlikely. Why do I care when I am leaving the office in less than two weeks' time? Take your pick from the following:

(a) It must be because I am a Type A Personality - I need to get everything right.
(b) I have a chronic psychiatric illness - megalomania - and I am confused as to where I stand in the office hierarchy.
(c) I am desperate for a good reference, my previous employers having decided they want nothing to do with me ever since they found out my true identity as a vampire/werewolf/witch.
(d) I am a brilliant, professional and humane person, willing to dedicate the last seconds of my working life as a lawyer to the good of my firm's clients no matter what.

I personally think the answer lies somewhere between (a) and (b). As I head home for the night (only to bounce out of bed bright and early a few hours later, of course), I will ruminate on whether it is better to be a mediocre lawyer than a mediocre makeup artist/freelance writer/streetbum/[insert your choice of profession].